I remember many years ago I had a book called "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. I gave it away but I can recollect the importance of that book and how importance emotional intelligence really is.
When we think of smart people, we generally think high IQ........above level intelligence. Perhaps someone with a PHD or someone who wrote a thesis on quantum mechanics or quantum physics. We think of those who wrote dissertations or some brilliant researcher who found a cure for a terminal disease. We think of those who came up with the critical mass estimate necessary for atomic fission. But how many of us think of smarts in terms emotional intelligence? I bet very few even think of it. Why is that? Because we automatically assume intelligence has to do with smarts in the brain, you know running on all 4 cylinders or synapses firing. Very rarely do we think of intelligence in terms of emotional aptitudes. Why is emotional intelligence important and why does it matter more than IQ? Because emotional intelligence is basically how we relate to one another in this world and how we relate to those around us on a regular basis. It has nothing to do with intelligence per se.
When you think about the people around you, how many do you think actually know how to discriminate between different emotions in themselves and those around them? How many of you actually know how to identify the strong emotions in yourself? For example, do you know when you are frustrated? I mean truly frustrated because things are not working like you imagined? How about jealousy? Deep down inside you hate someone because they are stronger, smarter, talented or more gifted than you or perhaps they are more successful than you? How about fear? When you want to take a stand for what is right but you are afraid others will reject you.......do you know how to take responsibility for that emotion and respond in the right way? Or what about contempt for another person? Do you just act out in hatred towards that person or do you take responsibility for that negative emotion? On the flip side concerning others, how about empathy? Do you really take the time to understand another persons' struggles or do you always rush to judgement? How about actually listening to people? How many times have you pretended to listen to others when all the while, you really where not "hearing" what they had to say.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to monitor one's own and other people's emotions, to identify, use, understand and manage emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, to communicate effectively, to empathize with others, to overcome challenges and to diffuse conflict. When you recognize your own emotions and understand what they are telling you, you can realize how your emotions impact those around you. Your perception of others, to understand how they are feeling and the ability to put yourself vicariously in another persons' shoes demonstrate your ability to understand emotionally another.
Emotional Intelligence might matter more than IQ when it comes to your health, happiness and life success. Developing strong people skills such as listening, being caring and considerate demonstrate your ability to really connect with others on a human level. It is true most people want to be understood, even though they may pretend otherwise. Some people are skilled in covering up their real emotions for fear of feeling too vulnerable. But isn't it vulnerability that makes us human? Those with emotional intelligence do not fear being vulnerable because that is precisely what makes them a human being, in other words, it is what makes them real.......keeping it real as they say. Emotional intelligence also gives you the ability to handle pressure in trials and tribulations, allowing you to manage all the unpleasant platitudes that assault your mind. These people will respond with a certain calmness to stress and in fact they are great at making decisions because they will inevitably go with their intuition. They can handle criticism and know how to use it for their own good. These people know themselves very well..........they are acutely aware of their own emotions and this is why they are good at reading other peoples' emotions.
People with high Emotional Intelligence make others feel good, they believe that others are worth investing in. They have an uncanny ability to see others' potential and will help them reach that potential with encouraging words. They have the insight to be a visionary....seeing potential that others can not.
According to Daniel Goleman, he lists the characteristics of those with emotional intelligence:
1) Self-Awareness--they understand their emotions, so they don't let their feeling rule them. They are confident because they trust their intuition and they don't let their emotions get out of control. They know their strengths and weaknesses and will work on those areas.
2) Self-regulation--the ability to control impulses. People who self-regulate don't allow themselves to become too jealous or too angry and they try not to make impulsive, careless, or hasty decisions. They think before they act. These people have the ability to be patient and to say no and on the same token they are comfortable with change.
3) Motivation--people with high EI are usually motivated. They are willing to defer immediate results for long-term success. They are highly productive, love a challenge and are very effective in whatever they do.
4) Empathy-- this is perhaps the second most important element of EI. The ability to identity with and understand the wants, needs and view points of those around you. People with empathy are good at recognizing the feeling of others, even when those feeling may not be obvious. Empathetic people are good at actively listening. They also avoid stereo-typing and judging too quickly and they live their lives in a very open and honest way.
5) Social Skills--rather than focusing on their own success first, they help others develop and shine. They can manage disputes, are excellent communicators and are masters at building and maintaining relationships.
So how do we improve our emotional intelligence? You can begin with observing how you react to people. Do you rush to judgment before you know all the facts? Do you stereo-type? Are you a clicky person and do you discriminate or show bias? Do you try to put yourself in another persons' shoes? And are you more flexible with other peoples' view points even though they are different than yours? (I can think of so many people who are seriously lacking in these abilities.......I have worked with them on countless occasions and these kind of people can make for a pretty miserable interaction). Also examine how you react to stressful situations. Do you become upset every time there is a delay or things do not work out the way you want them to? Do you constantly blame others or become angry at them even though they honestly have done no wrong? If you hurt someone and you can clearly see they are angry or hurt, do you make an honest attempt to apologize or do you ignore that person and try to avoid them? This takes courage which many lack because we are so desperate to maintain a "flawless" reputation. As we all know, no one is perfect, we will all screw up from time to time.....it is not the end of the world. The sooner you acknowledge your mistakes, the more mature you will become. Try to examine how your actions will impact others. If your decisions will impact others, put yourself in their place. How will they feel? How would you feel if they did that to you? Do you value others, I mean really value others? If you do, you will care how you interact with them.
Everyone can do a self-eval. Have the courage to look at yourself. Really look at yourself.....at your soul in the mirror.....you may not like what you see? But then again, maybe you simply do not care? How mature are you really? When I scrutinize myself, certainly I can see where I need improvement, particularly with managing my emotions.......not so much understanding other peoples' emotions and really listening to their concerns......this I know I am pretty good at, but managing my emotions, well, that's another story.
Have the humility to evaluate yourself honestly today.