When I moved out to Northwestern PA to help my dad who was just recovering from surgery and rehab due to a leg amputation, I decided to adopt a cat from the animal friends shelter in St. Mary's. I have never adopted a cat from an animal shelter before but I have always had kittens and cats in my life ever since I was a little girl. As a little girl, I would dress my kittens up in a dolly dress and surprisingly they would tolerate it.
As I walked into this shelter, there were cats everywhere. Some were missing an eye and some that just looked destitute. Many of them were strays, many were abused and many were abandoned. I spent some time there looking around and tried to find "the one" who would stand out but none did for some reason. I mentioned to the owner that I wanted a cat without claws and she showed me one who was a very quiet, large tom cat. He was so reserved that they had to keep him in a separate room. I went ahead and agreed that he was the one I would adopt but I still had my reservations. They told me to come back in a couple days to finish the adoption. When I came back those couple days later, as I was waiting for them to get tom cat ready, out comes this darling little girl, prancing into the room with shiny black hair and a big fluffy tail. She meowed at me as if to say, "hi, who are you"? Right then and there I knew she was "the one". She still had her claws, but I did not mind because I fell in love with her right away. So I adopted her in January of 2008.
When she came home with me, she spent several hours affectionately rubbing my legs and hands, I guess to get to know me or something. After awhile, she started to investigate my apartment and soon made herself at home. She quickly established a routine and found her favorite hang out places and sleeping places. We bonded pretty quickly. In all my years of owning cats, I have never seen a cat eat doritos and potato chips, but that she did. She would literally put her whole head and paw in the bag and steal one and eat it. At first I got mad, but eventually I realized this was our bonding time, so I let her do it. She would always greet me at the door when I came home from work and would not let me do anything until I greeted her and kissed her and gave her some "love" time. She needed her daily cup filled with affection. She would follow me around my apartment like a puppy dog and "hang out" with me. When I was upset and crying, she would immediately sense this and come to my aid to comfort me and show me her unconditional love. If I was talking to myself, she would hear me and come to me to see what I was saying. When I would wake up in the morning, the first thing I would do was go to the bathroom. She would get up right away and come into the bathroom to sit on my lap while on was sitting on the toilet. This was her way of saying good morning.
She would watch me take a shower, a bath and brush my teeth. If I was working on my computer, she would want to sit upright on her bottom on my lap so I could pet her tummy hairs that were so curly and soft. She would always join me at eating time of course and to watch the evening news. She always left me a treat in the morning of a overturned trash can with a trail of scraps and tissues left on the floor (I am certain this came from her nomadic days of roaming the streets). To sum it up, she was my best friend!
When Sabrina and I moved back east into my brother's basement, she adjusted well or so I thought. She would always follow me up the stairs but we soon found out that she was the "night prowler" and we decided to keep the door shut at all times. She tolerated my nephews well even though they teased her. Sometimes she would "scrape" them as my nephew Ben would say but again it was because she was being teased or that she was afraid. Sabrina did have a problem with being pet too much. For example, in the beginning of our getting to know each other, she would come to me while I was sitting on the sofa and rub my arms and hands so I would then pet her. Suddenly she would scratch me and get mad and run away. I thought maybe she had some psychiatric issues or maybe she had bipolar from living on the streets but I realized that many domestic long haired cats and maine coons do that. It's intrinsic to their personality. After she got to know me however, she stopped doing it to me.
As the months passed on, we got by, but I had many challenges that were keeping me preoccupied so I did not realize that Sabrina was slipping away. She started to drink and pee excessively. She seemed uninterested in having any fun. She appeared lethargic and quiet and depressed at times, but I thought maybe my mood was effecting her, so I really did not seem too concerned. Then I started to notice that she was losing a lot of weight because she was not eating, her hair was falling out and her breath smelled really bad. She had ulcers around her gums and her teeth were brown and chipped. She also would vomit a lot and dry heave. And then she had a very strong body odor (the waste and toxins were building up in her tiny body and poisoning her). It was like she took a sudden nose dive in a matter of days. This was when I realized something was terribly wrong.
So I began to research her symptoms online and found several sights on chronic kidney failure and the symptoms of this terminal disease fit her to a T. I did not even have to get blood work done to confirm diagnosis. I already knew. She was crashing and in crisis mode. This was an emergency. I had to make a quick decision. I could not stand by and see her waste away into nothing and suffer. That would break my heart. I also knew I did not have the money for repeated vet visits and several medications to sustain her life for perhaps only a few more weeks. This disease was terminal no matter what heroic measures I would take, so I made the decision to put her to sleep. But not before I spent extra quality time with her giving her love and affection which I think she desperately wanted and needed. I remember several times she would sit on her perch and just stare at me as if to say, "mom, what is wrong with me"? Funny thing though, when she wanted to get out of my room, she would take her paw and pull that door wide open with no problem. Looking back, I think she was a little ticked off because she felt so crummy.
I took her outside and walked her and she enjoyed that very much. That seemed to lift her out of her depression. I caressed her and reassured her that her battle would be over soon and she would not have to suffer anymore. I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me and that she was a brave little kitty cat. I fed her fresh cooked chicken breast and tuna, which she enjoyed but later she did not want to eat at all. I knew she was really sick and anemic........she felt cold to touch. Her heart was beating rapidly which led me to believe she could possibly be in congestive heart failure. The day before I put her to sleep, she was restless. She could not get comfortable but she managed to make it through the night. The day of the appointment, this past Friday, I came home from cashing my check so I could pay the vet and I called her name and she came to me right away. I think she knew because she really did not fight me. She was just too tired and sick. The people at the vets' were so nice. They made sure that I had enough time to cry and hold my kitty as she lay there lifeless. They gave me a towel and some tissues and left me alone to hold my kitty. Truly it was so heartbreaking. I felt so empty afterwards. My best friend gone.
Looking back, I wish I had recognized her struggle earlier. I would have spent so much more time with her, comforting her as she did me. I would have kept her first on my priority list, but instead, because I did not know that she was in kidney failure, I was busy and neglected her. I was too selfish to think of her. I could have had more time with my baby before she died. But I could not assuage my guilt by prolonging her suffering. I felt it was in her best interest to let her go so she would not have to hold on and suffer only to meet my needs.
I buried her at a local park under a tree. A quiet place so I could go and visit her. I miss her dearly and wish I could have my Sabrina back because she was very special. I can not just trade her in for a new model. I will always remember her and when I think of her I have good memories, like when she would wake me up faithfully every morning at 4 am by batting the window blinds and making so much noise. I can't help but be sad because I wish she never had this terminal disease and I would have loved to have had many more good years with her companionship. I know animals do not have souls but you would swear they did because they just seem to know how to communicate and understand you when you love them. I know God gave us these sweet animals to love and cherish. I thank God for giving me Sabrina even though it was for a brief time, and I thank God for healing me of my grief and filling my cup when I felt so empty when she died.
Here are some online resources for cats with CRF and their caregivers and tributes to those cats who died of the disease.
http://www.felinecrf.org/other_peoples_losses.htm
http://www.felinecrf.com/
*************Sir Winston Churchill was so found of his cat Nelson that he made a permanent place for him in the Cabinet Room. In his will, he left a sum "for board and lodging" so there would always be a marmalade cat in residence at his Chartwell home.
*************"The cat always leaves his mark upon his friends".